CHILDREN'S CORNER
The death of a loved one can be mystifying and troubling to a young person. It benefits children to understand the processes of dying, death and bereavement and how it affects their lives. We encourage children to be part of the funeral by putting pictures, letters or other meaningful items in the casket. Young people may also act as honorary casket bearers during the service.
Should The Children Know?
Learning to accept death is a natural experience in life which, must not be ignored. Talking about death is necessary and is a vital part of every child's development.
How Should I Explain Death?
We have found over the years and by watching our own children's reaction to the death of members of our family, that honestly and simple answers to their questions is the best approach.
Can I Prepare My Child For An Expected Death?
If your family is anticipating a death, you are more than welcome to schedule a time to bring your child in to see the funeral home. Many children have never been inside a funeral home and don't know what to expect. Sometimes touching and feeling a casket can help children deal with the situation in an honest and caring setting before seeing their grandparent or other loved one. We will be available to answer questions and give explanations where necessary. The intention is to bring a better understanding, and remove the mystery around what happens when a person dies. Depending on the age of the child, your visit may last 5-10 minutes or longer.
At What Age Should A Child Attend A Funeral?
This question is different for each child and should be decided by the parents. If the child is old enough to voice their interest in attending, consideration should be given to allow the child to attend. Many parents of younger children choose to bring them to visitations and leave them with a trusted friend of the family during the funeral service.
Caring for a Surviving Child
As in all situations, honesty is the best way to deal with children. Talk to the child in a language that they can understand. Remember to listen to the child and try to understand what the child is saying and just as importantly, what they are not saying. Children need to feel that the death is an open subject and that they can express their thoughts or questions as they arise. Below are just a few ways adults can help children face the death of someone close to them.
1. The child's first concern may be "Who is going to take care of me now?"
2. The child will probably have many questions and may need to ask them again and again.
3. The child will not know appropriate behavior for the situation.
4. The child may fear that they also may die or that they somehow caused the death.
5. The child may wish to be a part of the family rituals.
6. The child may show regressive behavior.
Adults can help prepare a child deal with future loses of those who are significant by helping the child handle smaller losses through sharing their feelings when a pet dies or when death is discussed in a story or on television.
In helping children understand and cope with death, remember four key concepts: Be Loving, Be Accepting, Be Truthful and Be Consistent.
EXPLANATIONS THAT MAY NOT HELP
Outlined below are explanations that adults may give to a child to explain why the person they loved his died. Unfortunately, simple, but dishonest answers can only serve to increase the fear and uncertainty that the child may be feeling. Children tend to be very literal - if an adult says that "Grandpa/Grandma died because they were old and tired" the child may wonder when they too will be too old and they certainly get tired - what is tired enough to die?
1. "Grandpa/Grandma will sleep in peace forever." This explanation may result in child's fear of going to bed or to sleep.
2. "It is God's will." The child will not understand a God who takes a loved one because He needs that person Himself, or "God took him because he was so good." The child may decide to be bad so God won't take him too.
3. "Daddy/Mommy went on a long trip and won't be back for a long time." The child may wonder why the person left without saying goodbye. Eventually they will realize Daddy/Mommy isn't coming back and feel that something they did caused Daddy/Mommy to leave.
4. "John was sick and went to the hospital where he died." The child will need an explanation about "Little" and "Big" sicknesses. Otherwise, they may be extremely fearful if they or someone they love has to go to the hospital in the future.
How to help a child deal with loss
Where Do Children Fit In?
Many parents never stop to think about what they will do with the children when a loved one dies. Probably most wonder who they will get to baby-sit the children while they attend the funeral. Excluding children from the funeral will delay their grieving and hinder their ability to deal with death and loss later in life. Here are some practical ideas that have worked well.